“When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies?” ~Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra (Don Quixote)
Have you ever wondered why people have an insatiable appetite for more and more? Is it a natural instinct or is it a misplaced notion that the more we have the happier we will be? Might it be a real thirst for knowledge or, as Socrates believed, is it that most of us are filled with pride, conceit and beliefs we cling to for a sense of recognition, identity and security? Is it the challenge and thrill of winning or the fear of losing? Is it ambition or just greed? I agree that there is nothing wrong with being ambitious, setting new goals, and striving for success. However, I would encourage people to slow down and take the time to appreciate what has been accomplished. Oprah Winfrey, the epitome of success, has noted, “I got so focused on the difficulty of the climb that I lost sight of being grateful for simply having a mountain to climb.” I, personally, am constantly reminded that it is important for me to stop, relish the view, and smell the roses. If only I had. Chasing more and more for the sake of it and believing we will be happy once we get the next big thing is the perfect recipe for unhappiness, discontentment, and possibly despair. Doing the same thing over and over and never feeling fulfilled or satisfied sounds to me like the definition of insanity attributed to Albert Einstein.
How many times have you felt like you are not successful enough, not smart enough, not beautiful or handsome enough, not fast enough, not rich enough, not funny enough, not tall enough, etc.? Alexander Hamilton was an American statesman, politician, legal scholar, military commander, lawyer, banker, economist, and one of our country’s Founding Fathers. Despite his extraordinary talent, knowledge and good looks, he was filled with insecurities. Upon the death of his close friend, he wrote his sister-in-law - “I am conscious of the advantages I possess. I know I have talents and a good heart, but why am I not handsome? Why have I not every acquirement that can embellish human nature? Why have I not fortune, that I might hereafter have more leisure than I shall have to cultivate those improvements for which I am not entirely unfit?” So when does the insatiable desire for more start and how does it end?
When we are children we initially are carried then put down to crawl, then walk, and eventually take off running. We learn to ride a bicycle or balance ourselves on a skateboard to keep up with siblings and friends. Children thirst for knowledge and crave affection, attention and recognition. By age 11, a child’s cognitive skills have developed to the point where they can use logic to solve problems and make decisions; view the world around them; compare themselves to others; formulate opinions; and express a desire for what they want. Work begins building the renowned “Comparison Trap.”
As teenagers, we experience puberty; get a Nintendo, cell phone, computer, driver’s license, and part-time job. We get our first car, go on a first date, have a girlfriend or boyfriend, sneak a kiss, and attend the high school prom. To guarantee a spot at a top tier college or university, our parents enroll us in AP classes; we participate in extracurricular activities, perform volunteer work, join club teams; have tutors; and take an SAT prep course. All the while, work continues on building the “Comparison Trap.” The Trap can now better distinguish between what others have that we don’t. It is now programmed to better identify intellectual, physical, personal, psychological and material deficiencies.
Then there is high school graduation and time to decide what to do next - so many choices, so much uncertainty, and so little information. Do we get a full-time job and move into our own apartment; go to a community college, trade school, or four year college or university; go to a public or private college or university; or should we enlist in the military were we will be taught a skill or trade and leave with some attractive veteran’s benefits? Of course, why should we do any of this when we could choose a life of crime and end up wards of the criminal justice system?
Of course, with a full-time job you can afford a newer car, take vacations, go on multiple dates, and maybe even get married and start a family. If you go to college, you can live at home and follow mom and dad’s rules; hold on to your old car; maybe have time to meet and date other college students; get a part-time job; apply for grants and student loans; eat junk and fast foods; and, if lucky, graduate in four years. Hopefully, you will get a better paying job than your peers without a college degree so you can pay off your exorbitant student loans. Unfortunately, the reality is the labor market is flooded with college graduates and the likelihood of getting a professional job after graduation is pretty slim. So you will most likely either take a job that doesn’t require a college degree or start exploring graduate schools with the likelihood of incurring more debt without the guarantee of a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Regardless of what you choose, there is always a question about whether or not you should have chosen a different path. If you choose a full-time job over going to a community or four year college and university or enlisting in the military service, you wonder if you would have been happier doing what many of your peers did and pursue a college education. Maybe all you need to do is create your own business to ensure long term financial security and personal satisfaction. If you pursue an education over a full-time job, you wonder if the financial and personal sacrifices were worth it and if you have chosen the right career path and/or will ever be able to pay off your student loans Will a graduate degree or degrees expand your professional network and open up more career options. If you enlist in the military service, you will question whether or not the arduous training and discipline you underwent will pay off when you return to civilian life? Will there be employment or educational opportunities available for you? Will you be able to adapt to a less rigorous and unrestricted lifestyle? Or, should you re-enlist and hope the labor market opens up? By this time the “Comparison Trap” is fully operational.
You begin to wonder whether or not you made the right decision. The mind begins to fill up with what if scenarios. What if you were a different gender, a minority, younger, older, better looking, taller, thinner; chosen a different branch of the military, college or university, different major, lived on campus, joined a fraternity or sorority, had wealthy parents; and on and on and on?
The trap is set. By comparing ourselves to overachievers, we never feel happy or satisfied with what we accomplish. We chase and chase only to find more to chase. We are conditioned to seek fulfillment outside ourselves, rather than within ourselves. Regardless of one’s socio-economic status or upbringing, thanks to the media (television, newsprint, internet, etc.) we are programmed to believe that happiness comes through consumption. The media preys on our desire for more. A person’s worth is determined by what they are able to acquire. People are judged by the clothes they wear, the job they have, where they live, and the car they drive. It has been documented that people have been known to go bankrupt because they tried to acquire things a neighbor had acquired after winning the lottery. Does declaring bankruptcy ever make someone happy? Doesn’t that seem a little crazy?
If we marry, usually the plan is to have a career that will support a family, settle down with your beautiful wife or handsome spouse, buy a home in a quiet and safe neighborhood, have children, and own an affordable and safe van or SUV (forget the station wagon). As families do, in a few years we begin looking for a better job, larger home with a swimming pool, a nicer neighborhood and with good schools, a pick-up truck, and SeaDoo or WaveRunner. As the family grows up or gets larger, the process starts over again but now we need more living space, extra bedrooms, wifi and internet, large flat screen cable televisions, home security, and an additional car. Of course, one car has to be a luxury car that exudes success. This lifestyle progression requires a promotion, better job and higher pay. It also may require divorce, at least one new spouse and in-laws, and, perhaps, additional children resulting from the need to merge families. No wonder there is a higher rate of alcoholism, drug abuse, mental illness, bankruptcy, and spousal abuse. It is well documented that the mind is nothing more than a “wanting machine.” The more we believe we lack, the unhappier we become. The more we trust this neurotic nonsense the greater the loss of our ability to differentiate between need and want.
What is so fascinating about our insatiable appetite for more is that this is not unique to our generation. In 935 BC Ecclesiastes, the Old Testament Book of Wisdom, was written. The book describes how meaningless everything is. Reid S. Monaghan writes in ”Chasing the Wind” that “Ecclesiastes” is a reflection on life from a person who had it all. He did it all and questioned it all during his life journey. He had more money than Bill Gates and more girls gone wild to fulfill all the lusts of his youth. To put it in our terms, he was ‘successful’ in every way.” “I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity, a chasing after the wind… Ecclesiastes 1:15.” Monaghan goes on to point out that according to the Preacher in the book, our lives are spent in the chase for meaning and futile endeavors… “All our toys, accomplishments, bank accounts, fame and glory will vanish and there will be no remembrance of you.” In Ecclesiastes 2, “The Wise and Foolish”, we find “So I decided to compare wisdom with foolishness and madness (for who can do this better than I, the King?) I thought, wisdom is better than foolishness, just as light is better than darkness. For the wise can see where they are going, but fools walk in the dark. Yet I saw that the wise and the foolish share the same fate. Both will die. So I said to myself, ‘Since I will end up the same as the fool, what’s the value of all my wisdom? This is all so meaningless!’ For the wise and the foolish both die. The wise will not be remembered any longer than the fool. In the days to come, both will be forgotten.”
For Aristotle happiness is a final end or goal that encompasses the totality of one's life. It is not something that can be gained or lost in a few hours, like pleasurable sensations. It is more like the ultimate value of your life as lived up to this moment, measuring how well you have lived up to your full potential as a human being.
Pope Francis offered advice for being a happier person – stop trying to convert people to your own particular beliefs. Top ten tips for a happier life:
· Live and let live.
· Be giving of yourself to others. Stagnant water becomes putrid.
· Proceed calmly in life.
· A healthy sense of leisure.
· Sundays should be holidays.
· Find innovative ways to create dignified jobs for young people.
· Respect and take care of nature.
· Stop being negative.
· Don’t proselytize; respect others’ beliefs.
· Work for peace.
The Dalai Lama, a spiritual leader who travels the world teaching his Tibetan brand of Buddhism, had this to say about how to achieve pleasure and happiness: “We all want happiness, not suffering, and as a consequence we have to see if the mind can be transformed… There’s no reason to feel low or demoralized; much better to be confident and optimistic… I believe compassion to be one of the few things we can practice that will bring immediate and long-term happiness to our lives. I’m not talking about the short-term gratification of pleasures like sex, drugs or gambling (although I’m not knocking them), but something that will bring true and lasting happiness. The kind that sticks.”
We have to remind ourselves that being ambitious and striving to better oneself does not mean that we are chasing crazy. Wisdom cautions us to seek happiness for happiness sake. To not enjoy the climb or personal achievements is merely to waste the precious time we have to live life to its fullest. We have it within ourselves to define happiness and not allow ourselves to get caught in the “Comparison Trap.” In the end, no one really cares.
Are you still chasing crazy?